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Thursday, May 10, 2012

Clouds Hang Heavy

I've had a rough past few weeks.  The weather has been glum and so have my spirits.  I've avoided writing because I just wasn't sure I'd have much positive to say.  I've been busy with doctor's visits, a trip to the ER, a digestive system that doesn't like me (it's mutual at this point), a broken lawn mower and a rapidly growing lawn, a landlord pressuring me to cut said lawn, a toddler with a fever, numerous panic attacks, the scare of a discovered lung nodule (doesn't look like anything to worry about) and a whole lot of doubts.  As the clouds have been pressing down, always gray and dreary, so have my thoughts.  And as we get ready to start our first IVF cycle in a matter of days, I wonder, "Am I too old to think of getting pregnant?" "What if my body just can't handle it and my lupus comes back?"  "What if I get pre-eclampsia and die?"  "Am I crazy for trying to have a baby?????"   "What if......."   and then the fear takes over and what should be an exciting and hopeful time turns into Fear Fest.  Mind you, I have talked to my primary doctor, and a cardiologist and a high risk OBGYN and they all say, Go for It.  Yes, my risks are higher, yes, there very well may be complications, yes, I will probably have a rough trimester (or two, or three) but as my cardiologist so delicately reminded me; "Hey, you can't live in a bubble!"  I don't want to make decisions out of fear, but I don't want to be foolish either.  It's a tricky dance between the two.  And so I find myself dreaming of knitting tiny booties one minute and imagining my son growing up without a mother the next.  Yup, it's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster.  I was fine until I read an article on the "hidden risks of pregnancy after 40".  I am kicking myself for reading it.  Had I known what a scary, one sided review it was, I would have deleted it right away.  Too late.
Sooooo....... to try to refocus my brain on the positive, I turned to a few projects.  Not feeling like I had the mental energy for anything new, I decided to finish up a few languishing projects.

Here are a couple of toys for Austin.  I had made the small squishy ball a few weeks ago, and it was such a hit, I knit a big ball to go with it.  And the small gnomes I knit for Austin's Easter basket now have parents.

A fabric pile with the makings of a few new bibs and summer pants and jacket.

 Here is a pair of pants I made for Austin last year but never finished with the elastic.  He has grown but they are still usable as a bit shorter pants, I believe all the trendy catalogs refer to them as "beach comber" length.  Whatever works.

 And a sad neglected sweater that almost got outgrown before I put the hidden snaps under the decorative buttons. I knit this before Austin was born and then when he was, I thought, it's HUGE, I have plenty of time before he's THAT big.  Ha ha.   I think we can still get some use out of it this spring.  Luckily, wool stretches.

And those little fluff ball chicks are growing up.  My little Polish ladies are starting to sport their tres chic hairdos .  I am falling in love with this breed, they bring such a smile to my face.  They truly do look ridiculous while at the same time somehow remarkably fashionable.

 And this is buttercup, a new comer.  She is a buttercup breed and so my husband decided to call her:  "I can't believe it's not butter - cup" or just buttercup for short.  Hey, I'm looking for laughs wherever I can get them these days.

And this is just my happy, hopeful picture.  A reminder to live in the moment.  Something Austin does very well and something I am trying to learn.  Because really, all we have is this moment.  No one is guaranteed the next breath.
And while I may not control the future, I am loved by the One who does.


  1. Thinking of you and praying for you - Love your little gnomes:)

    1. Your thoughts and prayers are so much appreciated! Seeking and trusting are the two lessons on my plate right now. Good to know there are others lifting me up in prayer.

  2. Hi Elisa; I hope you are feeling much better now and that things are improving... sometimes life looks hard but I know how strong you are and I am sure everything will end good; then you will be living the happy and vibrant life you deserve